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17 March 2015 @ 04:10 pm
I doubt there are anyone left on LJ that I care about, but it is nice to remember that there is this outlet for me to talk about things in my life that I want a listening ear for, but do not want to share with my friends and family.

I think hardships in life comes in all unexpected forms. When I was active on LJ, it was grappling with how V didn't love me the way I wanted him to. And then once I went back to Singapore, it was getting used to how crowded the country has become. 2012 was a year of dealing with my nephew's terminal illness, his passing, and then my own struggles with grief, anxiety and depression.

2014 and 2015, now I have everything. I am fine with being in Singapore, I have found and am happily in love (I am married!!- and not to V, though we are still friends), I deal with the fact that I may sometimes be depressed or anxious, but those times will be pass. Things are all good, but I can't say that I feel like I can beat anything that comes my way you know. Many times I still fear I can never be who I want to be in life- and truth is, I no longer really know who or what I want to be in life anymore... besides being a mother.

So yes, you guessed it, my husband and I are trying for a baby, and it hasn't happened yet. We haven't tried very long yet. Probably 4 to 5 months, but I am already feeling the stress. It's weighing down on my shoulders, and I am prone to anxiety!! I already know that I shouldn't too stressed, when you are stressed, babies don't happen, try not to think about it blah blah blah... I also know people mean well when they give me advice like this, but damnit! Don't you get it that asking me not thinking about when I am ggoing to conceive is like asking me not to think about the elephant in the room. It's such a huge deal to me and I love kids so much, how do I not anticipate and expect and even hope?

Honestly, I didn't think it would be that hard, especially when people around me are getting pregnant with a month or two of trying, plus my ovulation cycles are like a clockwork and I knew the science (PhD after all no?). I really really really didn't think we would be disappointed 5 times in a row. Some days, in fact, most days, I just cannot imagine myself as a mother, even though I really would love to be one and believe I would be a good one. Other days, I tell myself, I couldn't imagine myself getting married either, but look where am I now, happily married!!! It will happen and I must be positive and keep my faith. I also understand that trying 5 months is a little too early for me to be whining about infertility, but look I have a plan, my plan is to have a baby in 2015. I always have a plan in life, be it finishing my PhD, or finding love (that was why V not loving didn't hit me as hard as it should have, because that wasn't part of my plan), and having a baby in 2015 was my plan. Now I realize, that isn't something you can plan for, and as much as I hate it, I need rethink my OCD tendencies, and chill. Infact, I just told my husband yesterday that I don't plan to try in April. I mean I am sure I would still be aware of when I would be fertile and be anticipating the next time my period is due, but I hope at least I won't be hoping as hard as the past few months.

I really just need a break.

In May, I will try again.

Wish me luck girls. I think a need a lot of it.

PS: All those people who friended me for subs, please see that I haven't translated or subbed for like 6 years? I won't be doing that anytime soon, I have forgotten a huge ton of my Japanese anyway, so don't ask me for a dead link or anything like that. Also, please, I don't care if my subs are streaming, let them stream, it's fine with me. Thank you. 
 
 
N
23 June 2013 @ 08:52 pm
I am currently watching Last Cinderella on gooddrama.net

http://www.gooddrama.net/japanese-drama/last-cinderella

And I have decided once again that I do have something for younger men. AHA. :P
 
 
N
02 June 2013 @ 07:26 pm
I have been quite in loved with Lee Hyori lately, ever since she released her new album monochrome.

Both Miss Korea



and Bad Girls,



are the bomb with catchy melodies and sultry makeup looks.

I tried my hands at redoing Miss Korea's makeup look here:

http://foreveerr29.blogspot.sg/2013/06/lee-hyori-miss-korea-inspired-look.html








































Let me know how I did. :)
 
 
N
19 May 2013 @ 07:14 pm
A little spamming today, but basically, this is a post about my makeup and outfit to an Indian wedding.

Read: http://foreveerr29.blogspot.sg/2013/05/makeup-and-outfit-to-indian-wedding.html

See how I tranform:

final
 
 
N
21 April 2013 @ 12:09 am
En route home today,

me: Hey hey hey! There's this P!NK song that I am really into recent. Have you heard it? With this guy?
Bao: No? What's the title?
me:[ Frantically search for the song on spotify]



me: How? Do you like it?
Bao: Not bad.
me: Very un-P!NK
Bao; Like red.
me: -___________-""

Note: I know most people won't find this funny, this is just something I am doing so I can remember the stupid things we say to each other 5, 10, 20 years down the road. Hopefully LJ will still be around then. 
 
 
 
N
20 April 2013 @ 11:14 am
I thought some of you might be interested in reading this. :P

http://foreveerr29.blogspot.sg/2013/04/channel-your-inner-red-lip-mac-red.html

red lips
 
 
N
18 April 2013 @ 02:57 pm
Last night bao was driving me home, and on the highway, motorcyclists were zipping pass our car at incredibly fast speed.

me: I don't understand why [the motorcyclists] can't ride in the lane itself, but have to ride in between lanes.

Bao: Total road hazard

me: In the US, it would have been considered a crime to ride in between lanes.

Bao: Relax, this is Singapore, the motorcyclists think they can trace very well. 
 
 
N
23 March 2013 @ 12:32 am
I have a thousand things to write here, including my cambodia trip and this very cool NUS finance professor I had lunch with today, but I really need sleep, so instead, I am going to spam you with a post from my other blog:

9 most essential makeup items.

If you just start playing with makeup, what will you buy?

If it's armageddon, which makeup items will you bring with you to planet X.

It's all in that blog post.

Plus, a sneak preview to my wedding shoes. I know I know, of all things, I started my wedding preps with shoe shopping, but you know what, I am a girl afterall. :P

Thanks for reading! 
 
 
N
07 March 2013 @ 12:43 pm
Dear Flist,

I don't know how many of you have been following me, but I have once written (here) that besides my family, my biggest love in life is makeup. Stuff have happened over the past year to make me realize that maybe it's about time for me to do something about chasing my dream. I have decided to go to cosmetology school after my wedding (yes! I am engaged!), but in the meantime, a close friend and I have decided to start a blog to spread our love for fashion and beauty.

I would really appreciate if my Flist will give me your blessing and support by liking my facebook page, and reading the blog.

It's still being worked on, and I truly appreciates all criticisms and suggestions to make the blog better. Please help me chase my dream!!!

Blog: http://foreveerr29.blogspot.sg/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Foreveerr29/429436927140546 (please like!!!)

Thank you so much!!

Love, Nicole. 
 
 
N
06 March 2013 @ 10:04 pm
Hi Flist,

I think I owe all of you guys an apology and an explanation for all the disappearing and re-appearing acts I have been pulling. It takes some courage to re-tell my story, but because I had some awesome friends here on LJ (with Jenny even becoming a real life friend), I think I can deal with it.

2012 was a very tough year for me, with moving back to Singapore from America. When I was in USA, I lived in a quiet college town, where school was 10 minutes away from home. Singapore is very different. Home is more than an hour of commute from work, and public transport here is quite crazy. It is packed, packed, packed during peak hours, I normally have to wait 3-4 trains just to get on, once I waited 10. I had a hard time adjusting to the crowd, living with parents, taking on the responsibilities of an working adult. Then came July, I got news that my favorite nephew in China (I come from a very close knitted family, I am very close to all my cousins, and I used to baby sit their kids for them) was diagnosed with 4th stage glioblastoma, the most aggressive type of brain tumor. At the time of diagnosis, the tumor was already bigger than a tennis ball, the prognosis was terrible, my 16 year old nephew was given 3 months to live. I can't remember much of what really happened after I received the news, my memories of that period was simply blotchy, I mostly remember being in denial and being in pain. I remember weeping through the entire last Batman movie. I also remember trying to talk to anyone who can help at work, I remember being angry, at God (not that I was ever religious), angry at myself, for having a PhD in cancer biology,and yet is helpless. Whenever I went out and did things with my boyfriend or my friends, all I could think of was how I am enjoying life and my nephew was simply waiting for death at the age of 16.

To cut a long story short, a month after my nephew's diagnosis, I was clinically diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, a psychiatric disorder caused by stress. My nephew lived for 3 months 2 days after his diagnosis, and passed away on the 18th of October 2012. Shortly after his death, my anxiety turned into depression, I couldn't eat, didn't sleep for 3 weeks. My heart felt like there was literally a hole in it, and I just couldn't live anymore. It is a scary place to be and if you have never been there, I cannot tell you how dark the place felt. I couldn't work, I have no interest in living, and honestly, I have no idea what to do with myself. My mum dragged me to another psychiatrist (who was a much better one than the first), who put me on lexapro. She also took me home to see my cousin, and I got some closure.

I am much much better now. The pain is stil there, but I can function with it. We co-exist now. Now I know that I will never forget the pain of losing my favorite nephew, but I will get over the hurt. Life has to go on, and I will live well for everyone's sake.

This episode in life has brought me to thinking about my dreams and aspiration. I started thinking about going to cosmetology school again, and have already started looking at the different options in Singapore. While I am at that, I have also decided to start a blog with a close friend, focusing on makeup and fashion. Not sure what will come out of the blog, but I want to try and follow my heart, do something I like, instead of just blindly go to work, go home, get married and have kids someday. The blog is still in the making, I hope you guys will support it when it's up.

I need to run, but I promise we will speak again soon!


PS: I got engaged. Peiyi proposed while I was depressed in an attempt to cheer me up. Of course it didnt work, I also don't really remember much of how we got engaged. But I am happy about it now, and we have already booked a venue for the wedding dinner. Will update more. :)